Parenting after loss

I can’t tell y’all how many times I’ve started to write a new blog post over the past few months, but the words just fell short. The original purpose of this blog was to vocalize how I was feeling about losing Camryn, and then all the highs and lows that come with pregnancy after loss. So now I’m thinking about writing about the journey that is parenting after loss. I want to share all the good moments, the hard moments, and everything in between, assuming I have time with a little boy who is growing more mobile by the day!

I swear I don’t know how seven months have gone by so fast! I feel like it was just yesterday that we brought JD home, but my goodness has he grown and changed SO much! The first month after we brought him home was honestly kind of a struggle. Between my incision taking 8 weeks to heal and doctor visits multiple times per week during those 8 weeks, and JD struggling to gain weight, yet wanting to nurse around the clock, and my developing mastitis… y’all… it was challenging! I can’t even put into words how grateful I am for our parents and everything they have done and continue to do for us! Snuggling my sweet boy definitely made everything we were going through SO worth it though, and I would honestly do it all again in a heartbeat! It was around the time JD was 4-5 weeks old that he finally picked up the pace on gaining weight, and let me tell you, he hasn’t slowed down one bit! That boy can eat. (More on that later) That first month was also challenging because more than anything, I just wanted to make sure my baby was healthy, breathing, happy, and thriving. That first week home the sleep deprivation was so real because I couldn’t even fathom the idea of something happening to him while I was asleep… but I quickly learned that I did in fact need sleep to function and be the mommy that he needs me to be! One product that helped me sleep a little more soundly was the Snuza baby monitor which you can find here.  It allowed me to feel more confident in falling asleep knowing I would be alerted if JD’s movement was off. I know there are a lot of products that can do similar things these days, but this was a slightly more budget friendly option, and it worked really well for us!

Somewhere around month 2 I really started to feel like we were finding our groove and settling into our new normal. If you didn’t know, fall is by far my favorite time of year, and I was so excited to be doing all of my favorite fall activities and celebrating all of those “firsts” with JD. In those moments though, it also becomes a painful reminder of all of those moments I missed out on with Camryn. I’ve learned that this parenting after loss journey will always come with its own sets of highs and lows. I always want to enjoy the highs, but I also have to let myself feel the emotions that come with the lows as well. I’ve also learned that so many every day things can be triggers for those low moments. Things such as seeing a girl around Camryn’s age and just wondering what my baby girl would look like, what kind of personality would she have today…it gets my mind churning. Baby girl birth announcements or gender reveals are also a trigger point because it takes me back to how excited we were when we discovered we were expecting her and I still struggle with the “why me? why Camryn?” I’ve come to accept it, but it doesn’t change the fact that some days are just plain harder than others. Some ways I’ve found to cope in those difficult moments are to make sure that JD knows all about his big sister. I speak her name often and he absolutely adores his Camryn bear. It truly warms my heart to see him smile whenever he sees it. If you find yourself on this parenting after loss journey, I hope you are gentle with yourself and find ways to provide comfort whenever needed. It’s hard, but you’re never alone. I found the sweetest book here to share with JD whenever the time is right. I’ve read it a few times for myself and it’s definitely an emotional read, but I’m so thankful for it. I hope it can provide JD with some understanding as he gets older!

Here we are at month seven and I am very much looking forward to all of the firsts JD has yet to have. He’s working SO hard to crawl! We’ve been baby proofing like crazy because we know that day is coming soon! He doesn’t have any teeth yet, but that hasn’t stopped him from trying so many new foods. I’m kind of torn between missing the baby he was and embracing the new milestones and soon to be toddler he will become. I promise to update more regularly with all of the new things he is learning and doing and giving my best advice and tips for products that have worked so well for us! Thank you so much to everyone who has followed us on this journey and prayed for us over the past two years, words can never really do justice for how much it means to us.

Until next time,

Jessica