I will probably be using the term “rainbow baby” a lot, so for those unaware of the meaning, a rainbow baby is a baby born after loss, stillbirth, miscarriage, or infant/child loss. The rainbow after the storm, essentially. And while I feel so incredibly blessed to be pregnant with what I pray everyday is my rainbow baby, it’s also kind of overwhelming and terrifying. I’ve learned that it’s completely normal to feel this way. There is no right or wrong way to feel or do things. And it’s ok to feel more than one type of way any given moment.
So here I am,”safely” in the second trimester of this pregnancy. 15 weeks have already passed somehow! And yet I am still scared to death everyday that something will go wrong. I learned the hard way that in reality, there is no such thing as a safe zone when it comes to pregnancy. Yes, the odds of miscarriage have greatly diminished, and yes, the odds of something going wrong are slim to none… but I’ve been a part of that slim to none before, so I’m painfully aware that anything is possible. So many people have told me to just relax and enjoy this pregnancy. And believe me, I’m trying my best! But my goodness, it’s so much easier said than done.
I truly feel lucky, in that I can honestly say I LOVE being pregnant. I’ve been blessed with easy pregnancies, with very few symptoms. I mean, if occasional headaches and increased acne (which does suck) are as bad as it gets for me, I’m completely fine with that! I’m not going to lie though, it made the first trimester extra terrifying, because even though I had a couple of pregnancy symptoms, I wanted more. That may sound crazy, but generally morning sickness is associated with a good pregnancy, and so I was honestly disappointed that I wasn’t nauseous more than a couple of times. I truly wanted that extra reminder that I am in fact pregnant, and this baby is growing and doing what it’s supposed to be doing. I bought a Doppler so I can hear the heartbeat at home whenever I want to, but before 9 weeks they are pretty much useless. If you are able to find a heartbeat before then (that isn’t your own) consider yourself lucky! I didn’t find the heartbeat on a consistent basis until almost 10 weeks, and it really has given me so much peace since then! And I will definitely continue to use it everyday until I can feel this little one moving on a regular basis.
That’s another thing that scares me though. Movement! One of the greatest joys in pregnancy is feeling your little one moving! And I loved it so much when Camryn kicked me and hiccuped and just let me know she was in there doing just fine. But one day the movement stopped. I pray that never happens again! But I can’t help but worry that it will. I’ve read that after a certain time, 34 weeks I believe, that increased hiccups can be a sign of distress in the baby. So now I feel I’m going to be a mess wondering if baby is moving enough, or hiccuping enough or possibly too much. Lord there are just too many scenarios and too much that can go wrong. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy this? I try to take everything day by day, minute by minute even. I try to recognize that today is a good day, because at least for today, I have this life growing inside of me. Thinking about tomorrow is hard and scary, because tomorrow isn’t promised, for any of us. But today.. today is a good day!
I also am trying to focus on exciting things coming up in this pregnancy, such as finding out the gender! And baby showers, and decorating the nursery, and then obviously the most exciting thing, delivery and bringing this baby home with us. But as I just mentioned, even thinking about tomorrow is difficult! I’ve found it harder this time to become emotionally attached to this baby, probably mostly due to self preservation. If I’m not too attached, I can’t be too disappointed if something happens… and yet, I know I will be completely destroyed if something happens regardless of how emotionally attached I let myself get. One of the many reasons why being pregnant with a rainbow baby is one of the most challenging, terrifying things in the world. I really am so excited to find out the gender in just a few days! We decided to do what we did with Camryn and go for an elective 3D/4d ultrasound right at 16 weeks. I’m excited and yet also terrified because ultrasounds are scary now. They show you just how well baby is doing, or not doing. When we had our 12 week scan a couple of weeks ago, I was more terrified than anything, partly because it was a NT scan (assesses Down syndrome risk) but also just because what if the scan shows that baby isn’t as big as it’s supposed to be? So many what ifs. Thankfully we got a good report that day! But it still doesn’t change the fact that ultrasounds, as exciting as they can be, are also terrifying.
There is also the matter of what if this baby is another girl? I’m not going to lie y’all, as much as I don’t care what the gender is because above anything else in this world I just want a healthy baby, I have been hoping it’s another girl. My heart is just so prepared for a girl. We are supposed to have our daughter here with us, and yet she’s not. So my arms truly just ache for a daughter. And as excited as I would be to hear the words “it’s a girl” it’s also so scary! Because at the end of the day, I never want to feel like I’m replacing Camryn. And I never want anyone to think that just because we have another daughter, we are better. This baby, a thousand more babies, could never in a million years replace our first born daughter. We will never be completely whole. There will always and forever be a part of our family that is missing. I’ve also thought though that having another girl would be easier on us, simply because that’s what we are ready for. The bedding set we bought, the clothes and blankets and socks and shoes… everything we have is for a girl. But not just any girl. We bought all of that stuff with Camryn in mind. So will it be alright if this baby is a girl and we keep all of that stuff? Will my heart be able to handle dressing this baby in Camryn’s going home outfit that she never got to wear? Those are questions that I don’t have answers to, and I guess I will have to figure that out if this baby turns out to be another girl. At the end of the day though, girl or boy, this baby will be, and already is ridiculously loved.
I hope and pray everyday that this baby truly is our rainbow baby. I hope and pray everyday that this baby is healthy and strong and perfect. And I pray everyday that we will bring this baby home with us. And that ultimately, Camryn knows we could never replace her, and we love her just as much as we always have, and always will.
I will be hopefully updating y’all this weekend once we know what we are having! So be on the lookout for that exciting post!
everydaylove2016 